Life, right?

I've actually have thought about this for a while; a realisation that no matter what phase is in our life, we're constantly need to work hard on it.

When I was in Japan doing internship last year, I was so happy to finally be able to work, even if it's just for a while, in a dream country. But the happiness didn't last long, I have to constantly learning to be better each day I was there: I have to be really woken up in the cold winter morning to rush downtown and catch train that'll take me to work. In Indonesia, I could easily call online driver to take me to work with minimum fare, but that option's not available in Japan. Also, I have to constantly learn the Japanese workplace culture, and my own job as well. I enjoyed my stay there, but now that I think about it, I might not suitable to that kind of job and workplace, so it might be a good thing I didn't accepted to work full-time there.

These days, I came to that realisation again. I thought I was so blessed that I could work in one fast-growing startup despite me lacking the experience and only did learn coding for three months. But after working about six months and seeing the reality of Software Engineer work, my confidence is decreased day by day.



Why can't I write this code neatly?
Why can't I do these tasks faster?
Why can't I think of those scenarios before?
Why can't I understand these codes?
Why everybody's better than me?
What am I doing here?
Did I make any impact, being in this team?
私って必要なのかな?

Granted, I didn't even have a whole year experience of coding, but how could I be so stupid? Why do I can't explain my own codes to my fellow team? Why do I feel so inferior when my codes being reviewed? Do I really belong here? Can't I be better? But how could I learn to be a better programmer while everybody's seems to be ahead of me, and no matter how much I tried to keep up, they're already waay ahead?

These days, I feel like I couldn't make any contributions to the team, but they're always treat me good, and it makes me feel bad. Like why do you all trust me this much? With or without me, it would be the same, right? Or maybe if I leave and someone replaces me, that person would be a better suit to this job and it would impact better on the team's performance. Why do you trust me? When even I can't trust myself that I could be better.

I have no confidence in myself these days, but I have no choice but to learn. Then again, I still have to be where I am now in another six months. That being said, I need a good slap in my face.

Buck up, Trya!